The dirge and the joy
I shift constantly. I spin like a kaliedoscope as to what I understand and what I don’t, what feels like the right direction one day feels lost the next. To say that my God and my faith anchors me is an understatement. I am a pinwheel on my best days and what happens when you leave the top off the blender and turn it on during my worst days. Which would lead me to believe that maybe just maybe I won’t rely so much on my own understanding but I glance down at my hands and they’re white knuckled again. Mike’s grandmother passed away last night. The notes he jotted down are sitting by my feet. Honest and raw and sincere words that he needed to hold in his hand as they had their last conversation. And I want so desperately to hold words for my husband and use them as a salve upon his heart. But there are somethings only God can do. So instead of plunging my thoughts through a river of sorrow I want to cultivate a path towards joy. Mary had the most incredible red hair I’ve ever seen. She told me it was what got her husband to notice her for the first time. And she was an incredible swing dancer. And she loved her husband and her grandkids from such a deep part of her heart that her eyes shimmered when she talked about them. Thank you for being an incredible grandmother to my husband and for giving him the strong unshakable belief of how fiercely you loved and held on to your family. Well done….
Filed under Uncategorized | Comment (1)It’s definetely time to post again
Ahh it’s been too long. And life got too busy. I realized we don’t spend a single night home together. Monday-bible study Tuesday-class Wednesday-Worship practice Thursday-Mike’s Class Friday-Our other bible study. Tick tick tick. Well if you want to know what is important to someone look where they spend their time and their money. And I wouldn’t change it. It’s at times exhausting but I truly enjoy getting to know the people in my church. Everyone brings something unique with them and I’m learning that women are relational and prayerful and lonley and strong. I also didn’t anticipate my style sneaking up on me either. I can’t sit and teach a warm and fuzzy bible study. For lack of a better phrase I go for the jugular. I’m tired of people acting like nothing is wrong in life, that there are no weakness, no chinks in their armour. If we are getting together to talk about God, then we should challenge each other, we should pour out our worries and our prayers and create a community of spiritually vulnerable people because we will be holding each other up at that point. So begins another week.
Filed under Uncategorized | Comment (0)Restless
There was some point in my life when I realized if I was ever going to be something I would also have to be a frustrated pastor. It was clear there wasn’t any other path I could take but that didn’t stop me from trying. I will outrun my calling, I thought. Wrong, so wrong. And now I have surrendered and accepted and pursued it with everything I know how to give to it to grow it and nurture it and most days I still feel like a frustrated pastor. Probably because I am not a pastor yet. Nothing in my entire life has held more symbolism, more signifigance than the pulpit and the cross that hangs behind it. I think so often of what kind of church I could lead. I want to be part of a church that makes people uncomfortable because if people come and listen and smile and go home feeling better about themselves and not feel the need to reach out to the screaming suffering world then I will have failed. Failed mightily. I’m sure that sounds like a good plan for keeping attendance but I seriously ache to give a sermon where the whole objective is to feel, really feel like a sinner. Water never ever tasted so good as to someone who is thirsty, someone who is parched. I’ve prayed focusing on the fact I’m a Christian and I’ve prayed when I felt like the worst sinner. We need to unlock the power of God at some point, service is not what you do with your friends for a couple days a month. Serving is dirty and hard and shoud take a lot out of you, force yourself out of your comfort zone and cost you something. I know all of these ideas are rough around the edges I just have no other place for these words. It’s either here or burning a hole in my heart
Filed under Uncategorized | Comment (1)I (heart) Wednesday
Ahhh today is a good day. Wednesday’s are my day off and I tend to get more done on this day than most. Mike dropped me off at the gym on his way to work and I watched a good hour of a Baby Story while doing it. I’m not sure I should be that excited about TV but whatever motivates you to work out must be a good thing. I realized today that Mike and I haven’t eaten out once since we’ve been off the fast. I really, really missed cooking so just to be able to cook again feels incredible. I’ve made eggplant wrapped spaghetti, panang curry, carrot and corriander soup, lamb gyros, tzatziki sauce, avogolemo ect. When I get better at blogging I will post pictures and recipes because everything was pretty yummy but today for lunch I finally made my own recipe. So excited, I can’t even tell you because when we first got married I couldn’t scramble eggs and frequently set off the smoke alarm. Oh boy some of the stories I could tell. Anyway, my recipe- I had a bowl of cooked quinona sitting in the fridge that didn’t turn out so well because I forgot to rinse it before cooking and the recipe called for orange juice and chicken broth which I think tastes funny together. I stuck it in the fridge and didn’t think about it for a couple days. Somehow it is even more of an accomplishment if I can cook with food that would otherwise get wasted so I put two tomatoes in the food processor and added lemon pepper infused olive oil. I also have organic dried oregano and fresh sweet basil so I threw a bunch of that in along with garlic granules which was another purchase at the organic spice store. I rinsed the quinona on a splatter screen (the colander was too big) and shredded leftover chicken into it. Add black pepper and sea salt and stir for a couple minutes and it’s done. I vaccumed down my bowl and I’m trying really hard to ignore the rest of it because it’s supposed to be Mike’s dinner tonight while I’m at church. Delicious. Ah what else. I want to do a craigslist blog soon because we got our new fridge (GE profile stainless steel with freezer drawer on the bottom) for $275. And while I was searching on craigslist I found a brand new in the box 7 cup kitchenaid food processor for $60. And our pot rack which was 40.00 completes it. We are redecorating our home using craigslist, which I think they did in a recent issue of Real Simple. So I should probably go get more done, especially cause seminary starts up again next week!
Filed under Uncategorized | Comments (2)