(Insert life here)

Life is never going to be perfect. It is a relief just to see those words on the page. Life will be good. Life will be blessed. It will be a challenge and at times it will be triumphant. But not perfect. I had to make a choice between getting good medical insurance and taking a class a seminary. I believe I made the right choice. In a perfect world I could do both. In a perfect world I would know the best way to handle all the medical expenses. Instead I do the best that I can. And I know that God goes before me. I know that I am incredibly blessed and my life is more about fingerpainting than coloring within the lines. This is a day to be thankful, to choose to be encouraged and trust that I am right where I need to be.

A big big yard

I was thinking about something yesterday and I thought it was worth sharing. We have a puppy, Riley, who is 4 and a half months old. She is like any other puppy in that she loves to be outdoors, she loves the wind, she loves eating anything on the ground. I took her over my parent’s house and she loved spending the day there going on walks, and running around outside. She’s back home now and we keep her in the guest bathroom of our third floor condo and I bet she’s sad and thinks that place is so far away. I don’t get sad though because I know in a couple weeks she will have the biggest yard to run around in and she will always be able to see it through the door. I tell her all the time what is coming and how great it will be but I know she doesn’t understand and she won’t until I can put her little paws on the grass. A lengthy comparison I know but I am almost sure this is how God feels about us. He knows the greatness in store and encourages us to look past our circumstances but we struggle until we can actually see change happening in our lives. I’m going to take Riley for a nice long sunny walk today. It’s my way of saying hang in there, just a little more waiting. I bet God does this for me everyday.

Sowing

I find myself in a frequent position of not being able to explain what is happening in my life. This idea goes along with the fact that I don’t deserve or am entitled to anything so my search for a reason becomes futile. You would think at a point I would stop searching.  I am however, a feeler first and a thinker second according to Myers-Briggs so here is what I have been ruminating on: sowing. I can grasp this concept easily, that if you are more concerned with someone else’s plight and help them, you give God the room to work in your own life.  Sowing sticks close to reaping. You rarely see one without the other. Last year when we lost the contract on our house our friends successfully purchased their first home and Mike and I were in the car driving over to go help them tear up their floor.  The weight of that choice felt heavy but more than that it felt like the right thing to do. At that moment it was the next right step and one our thirsty hearts were eager to take. So were we sowing at that point? I pray that we were. That not only our hands but our hearts were in the position God wanted them to be. My coworker announced his wife was pregnant and for the first time in a while, all I could feel was their joy. I think God is showing me my next right step.

The greatest lesson of my life…so far

A lot has been happening recently and life has had such a whirlwind quality to it that I wasn’t sure how to write about it. Until now that is. It has to do with a lesson God has demonstrated to me many many times and I am still surprised to recognize it in my current circumstances.

When I was in my last year of high school, I was chosen to be a camp counselor at a UMC camp. The whole process had God’s hands all over it. I applied after the entire team had already been chosen. An interview process that usually took 1 month was completed in two days and my spot was secure. Until, I backed up my brand new Jetta into my sister’s equally brand new car on the way to pick up a friend for church.  Suddenly I was in so much trouble and was presented with the solution of not going to camp and getting a real job to pay off the damage to both of our cars. I was so confused and all I could think of was how much I thought this was what God wanted and now it was disappearing right before my eyes. I did the only thing I could think of. I prayed through all my tears, God I thought this was You, I thought You wanted me to do this, but if it isn’t then show me what You want me to do next and I’ll do it. Going to camp doesn’t mean anything if it’s not where you want Me to be. That, at the time, and even now was a hard prayer to pray. I called the insurance for our cars and since they were on the same policy they covered all the damages. Even a thousand dollars worth. I went to camp that summer knowing without any doubt that I was right where God wanted me to be. And the lesson was this : When you are ready to give it all up, God gives it all back. And then some.

Fast forward to last year.  We were pregnant, had a contract on a house, Mike got a promotion at work. Then one by one everything started to fall. We lost the baby, we lost the house, Mike got switched to the sales department and we began to make plans for what would happen if he lost his job. And there was a point where I thought about whether or not God was abandoning us. What  I realized though was He didn’t, it was just a season of no, or not yet. But it was hard, really hard and I remembered that prayer I prayed after I wrecked my car into Stacey’s. My life felt like a wreck. But it was still His. And I would accept His answer no matter what. I would accept His will above mine. And He did it again, When you are ready to give it all up, God gives it all back. And then some.  Mike has what I would consider his dream job, but he would have never gone looking for it if his job didn’t turn into such a struggle. We’re nearing the closing of our house that is unlike anything we ever looked at or considered we could afford. Especially the house we were under contract for and didn’t get. And I have all the faith in the world that when it is His time we will have little tiny feet crawling around our house. This may be the greatest lesson of my life.

We’re moving!

I have been kinda hesitant to write this but God has been so apparent through this whole process. Right before Christmas time we found this incredible house. After we went to go see it we sat down and figured out our best offer and submitted it. This is a bank owned property so they came back and told us they had received other offers and we needed to submit our highest and best offer. Our offer was already the highest and best one we could do and we got a response back saying thanks but we have decided to go forward with another offer. Okay. We continued looking for houses and found one in a great location that was doable but it would take a lot of work to get it the way we wanted. We were driving home talking about it, pretty confident we would put an offer on it when this feeling just hit me. It didn’t feel right. We could justify all the reasons why we should buy this house but I couldn’t shake the feeling. When we got home Mike suggested we do another search online. I looked and there wasn’t anything really and then I decided to pull up our house we didn’t get. There’s no reason to do this other than torture yourself but it showed it was still available. Long story short, the first offer fell through and they put it back on the mkt for a lower price. We offered, accepted their counter and are going to close on or before february 22nd. Only God could have helped us get this house. Standard houses in florida in our price range are typically 1300 square feet. This one is 2200 with a fireplace, 2 car garage, huge yard for the puppy and 5 bedrooms 3 1/2 baths. Thanks upon thanks doesn’t begin to express how grateful and humbled we are. Without further ado- Our new house.

A girl and her dream

My friend Beth recently posted on her blog about choosing a word for the year. I am quite infatuated with words and have always had one playing in my head like a record that can’t stop looping and I find said word popping up in most of my conversations. Last year’s word was without a doubt surrender. This year’s word is purpose. Writing is cathartic, necessary and immensely personal to me. Something happens when I can resonate with the words on this page. It’s like the first note of an unfinished symphony and even the cacophony of sound the keyboard makes as I type this make me feel there is a rhythm to my life. I feel closer to my purpose when I see fresh ink. It’s as if i have given my heart room to breathe and wiggle it’s toes on the page beneath my pen. I am at the same time a frustrated writer having spent years wishing I was better at computation and numbers. As my search for purpose starts by navigating the dissonance between a calling and what life looks like right now I begin at the only place I can; with pen (or keyboard) in hand.

In list form

Sometimes I have days off where I sit and think what is the best thing I can do with this day. Things like dinner tonight and laundry are necessities but there are so many options. Riley and I could go for a nice long walk. I could bake something from scratch. Or go to the produce market and stock up on fruits and vegetables. It is hard to decide because I think there are days when you need to just rest. We had a crazy weekend trying to fix our trailblazer and then realizing that the tow truck hooked the chains onto our steering and now we need to replace the tie rod and get 2 new front tires. I definitely didn’t budget for all that. I guess its our emergency fund. Also, I need to call my insurance today. They are still claiming that the baby was an abortion even though there was no chance of survival and thus they refuse to pay anything. I am in serious need of closure on this but I’ve heard from many friends in the medical industry that this is a game they play. Ah at the end of the day God is moving and none of this is a surprise to Him.

Dinner thursday was awesome. Shrimp a la grecique was so good that we didn’t have leftovers like I had planned. (I made a pound of shrimp) It was a Real Simple recipe which I think you can find on their website. Not completely sure about dinner tonight yet. It will probably involve chicken and corn on the cob. I will let you know how it turns out.

Today’s List:

Food shopping at BJs

Call doctor’s office/ insurance

Plan dinner (maybe for the week)

Walk Riley

Relax at the bookstore with coffee and a good book

Have a wonderful day!

Opa!

When I began my “i will make dinner every night this month” decision/resolution I was ultimately aiming for the creation of a menu for a weeks worth of meals instead of frantically scanning the pantry and then any recipe I could find with those ingredients. Oh well you have to start somewhere. My list turned out to be a tiny bit too ambitious but the great thing about lists is they carry over to the next day. This is evidenced by the fact that I was up at 7:30 this morning cleaning the kitchen before I had to go to work. My list progress is as follows: I did make dinner and it turned out delicious. I made steak fajitas in the crockpot (steak, cayenne,cumin, lime juice, salsa, garlic, onion + 6 hrs on low setting) and it was so tender and perfect that I think my hubby went back for thirds or fourths. This is extremely important because wednesday nights I chase 12 four year olds around for a hour and a half so when I come home I might be able to carry the crockpot to the table. Maybe. That was pretty much it for my list. No laundry, minimal stretching, kitchen untouched. But I am making progress on all those things today. 

Today’s List:

-Make Shrimp a la Grecque. I love greek food. I think Friday’s list will include making Gyros and Tzatziki sauce.

-Buy ingredients for Gyros, tzatziki, and homemade soft pretzels

-Laundry (one day….)

-Walk Riley

-Finish cleaning the kitchen

I think I’ve decided that there may be two categories of lists. One is domestic - laundry, shopping, cleaning, dinner  and one is extracurricular- working out, walking the puppy, running errands, taking long baths ect. I think if I break it down like this then I may get more accomplished. Maybe I’ll even plan next weeks dinner menu. Ready for a great day.

So much to do!

Ah okay first things first. Update on my list. Dinner was great and I have the picture of it on my iphone, which does my blog absolutely no good. I made some impressive strides in the laundry and got inspired to reorganize our closet which could account for my unpainted toes. I went food shopping with Mike after we went to go see a house so all in all I’m happy with my list tackling so far. Last night we had our small group and we eat together so there was no post. Today though has been pretty productive, mostly because I drank too much non decaf coffee last night and woke up at 5:30. Here’s what I’ve done so far

1. Get up at 6:00 AM and work out at the gym

2. Walk the pup in 29 degree florida weather

3. Go back to sleep

4. Get up and take a shower

It is 11:30 and time to organize the rest of the day. I have to go in to work at 3 so my list has to be a little shorter.

5. Start dinner. this includes finding a recipe that includes steak and a slow cooker

6. Stretch! (this is so important and I never do it so it’s going on my list)

7. Laundry

8. Make lunch and muffins. I miss muffins for breakfast.

9. Clean my kitchen

That is probably a little ambitious. I should definitely get started.

Have a wonderful day!

In Love

Sometimes I don’t trust my words. They’re too honest, too telling.  They tumble out and push and shove until exactly what I’m struggling with is lying exhausted on the page. I remember how hard it was to find praise in sorrow, how it had to be wrenched from my heart and nursed back to health before I could fold my hands and say I was thankful. It is a much shorter journey to praise right now with the new job and the possibility of a wonderful new house. You know what hits me? That I don’t deserve it. That the little counter I have in my head to keep track of my good Christian points is useless. We don’t deserve sorrow, we don’t deserve joy and blessings. We don’t deserve God. What do you do with a deserving heart? The only thing I think you can. Offer it to God. Here Lord is a gift from me. I wish it was stronger and more humble. I wish it was more noble and selfless. But even if it isn’t beautiful God, it is the one thing that is mine to offer to you. You have captured my heart. It is good to love You. It is even better to be in love with You.